2 hands 1 cable 1 wakeboard.

fuck up day. i knew dog year isnt the year for me. my aim, acjc, isnt what i expected to be. for once, i thought i could use table tennis/ wushu. but now, all hopes are lost. firstly, losing to some guy who dun even know how to play, worse still, it almost made gess unable to go into nationals. i am still pissed. at myself.and somehow jealous. having seen my junior beating the best player, the feeling sucks, and at the same time, if he didnt, gess can say bye bye to nationals. fucked up man. whats wrong with me? i do not know. seeing my ex coach li shu he, he glimpse at me with tat " what the fuck?" look as i left the table, losing 3:2. when my junior, zaki, who dont even know how to serve a good ball, winning him 3:0.cant believe it. i feel so fucked up. my bat is broken, it needs to be superglued in order to use it again. i seriously wan to quit table tennis, having china players coming down and trashing our asses, the competition here isnt as fun as before, singaporeans trying their best to win, now its different, its china players trying to compete in singapore to get better education and best of all, FREE education. pissed at myself



long time since i blogged.. well.. apology accepted.. the person should know who. if she read my blog doh=.=" hmm... i seriously wish i could stay back.. because i really cant handle this year. as my chemistry is a goner. i dunno how am i going to score 18 points, or rather, going into acjc or other jcs..the more i work hard, the more desperate i feel, and the more i realise, its impossible. having learnt my lesson for not studying is the worse. because it isnt discovered earlier. i keep feeling the sense of rush, in studies and even in games.and worse of all, the thought of girls come, but i brushed it away. because it isnt the time to think of them or even bother this thoughts. years go by, and i realise, friends are just something like current assets(poa), because it isnt long term, when i saw my childhood friend today, at my mother's friends house. i didnt even try to say hi. i just sat down, and slept throughout the whole "celebration" the only reason why i went there was because of red packets.just afew days ago, i heard 1 of my friend, who tried to go acjc, with 18 points, with a music degree, with 3 reputated musicians that wrote a letter of recommendation in, but did not get in. a joke right? for me to even think of going in when my sec 3 results were 40 pointers. not even near a 18 mark.the thought of suicide keep coming.but i dont know why i just didnt dare to kill myself, issit because i lack of courage? i do not know. table tennis competition is starting tml, and worst of all is that if we do not win all matches tml, the way to nationals will not be even there. i just hate my life, hate myself. everytime in school, i feel left out, the only friends that i can actually feel are clarence and fanny, funny right? because they are the only decent or should i say, helpful friends to me, they encourage me to study with them. the rest, wcw, matthias. they are my friends for sure, but they are classified as clowns to me, entertainers.i feel so left out in class. with lamers like zhi yong,calvin etc. worse of all, i not with either of the groups,charlene treats me like homework reminder, asking her for scissors or pen would cause casualties to myself. the fact that i care for her, and the results that i get is not even positive, i decided to just leave her alone.wei jian, i just realise, he isnt a friend at all, he doesnt tell us anything. from my point of view, 4E, isnt the class for me, because, i cant seem to find anyone that is my friend, nor do i find anyone that have common bondings.everytime i am with my friends, either in school, or outside. i feel castout. left out. the conversations that they speak, i am like an by passer, hearing what they speak. but not doing the talking or interacting.i seem tough from the outside, but the truth is i am weak. a simple tease or provoke would make me flare. and i do not like that. i would like to change for the better. but i do not know how. home = school. its true. i go home with no-one to talk to, just a computer that kills my boredom.friends sms me only for homework.people like charlene, jasdev. the only people who keep me company or occasionally sms for a conversation are not even in gess.am i so irritating? or so hard to socialise? i do not know. i do not care anymore.