我找不到更好的原因,去阻挡这一切的情意,这感觉太奇异,我抱歉不能说明,我相信这爱情的定义 奇迹会发生也不一定,风温柔得清晰,也许飘来好消息,一切新鲜,有点冒险 请告诉我怎么走到终点 没有人了解 没有人像我和陌生人的爱恋 我想我会开始想念你 可是我刚刚才遇见了你 我怀疑 这奇遇只是个恶作剧 我想我已慢慢喜欢你 因为我拥有爱情的勇气 我任性 投入你给的恶作剧 我才发现 你很耀眼 请让我再瞧瞧你的双眼? been 3 to 4 weeks since i met her, and i guess this is goodbye. i feel bad, stupid and all, to make her feel this way. the fact that she is in deep thought, shes afraid to hurt someone. it pains me to see this. the fact that td and her are actually a pair, going to i suppose. and i feel as if the person standing her way. this isnt right, if i eventually get her ( which seems utterly impossible) td would be sad, and i know that feeling, and it will hence, make me feel guilty. she knows td during jan, and she likes him , besides, shes been hiding alot of stuffs, and i feel weird, i dunno nuts about her, but i still care for her. thats very weird.giving up would be better. she wont have this thinking thingy going on no more. there is no need for hurting anyone, no need to feel sad and all. and she would eventually be happy. and that itself is enough for me. happy with his company, her smiles enough. i shall leave, i dun wanna be a spoiler. that feeling itself sucks for the opposite party. sigh. love is complicated. shall drown in my deep thoughts for now.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
its been a long day yday. since its 2 in the morning now. went to study at the tuition center. but i left to meet noelle ard 2 pm till 5pm. mos burger crave? lol . i dont know. but its been a long time since i ate that burger, and i realised they downsized the whole burger into a mini bun which isnt even bigger than my palm. anyway, we gai gai ard pp or whatever that shopping mall was called, and i still feel somewhat guilty, so i bought her a rose. lol. i know its lame but yeah. she didnt reject it, so that is something that stop my heart from pumping so fast since she might say throw it away. ha. well, i sent her back to her ballet school before heading off to the center again, getting scolded from ms armstrong once more, for being selfish ? or whatever she thinks it is because i do not blame myself for doing things. thats something she predicted wrong. i do blame myself, its just that i vent my anger out to others, to make me feel better, yeah, maybe i am selfish. and i deserve that scolding, from armstrong, and from noelle herself on the previous day. but all went well after that "session" of scolding, i still manage to do my work, although not all, but at least the friendship between me and armstrong remains, and i hope for the better with noelle too. my eldest brother almost got conned today, by some fake job interview that would cheat money out of you without knowing it. my dad spotted it out, and tried to talk some sense to my brother, but he refused to listen, angry with himself perhaps?and worst of, a murder case happened near my house beside marsiling primary school, where some indian fella stabbed some guy there. and fled. i dont deny i look down on black ppl, but not all, its just, i find it not right for them to act this way, they arent special, they are still humans, but why classify themselves as someone lower? i do not know. i have friends who are black/brown. but this are the minority that are pleasant. todays going to be a very weird day for me, hope mr mui wont come to me and bla bla bla. shant think abt negative stuffs. gonna slp soon. cao
Saturday, July 22, 2006
sigh. just had an f up day. tuition was a disaster, couldnt even do my oral after her msg. i guess she read my previous post. a moment of folly i guess. to write such a thing. sigh. teacher scolded the whole class, didnt study much and i went home early. i hate myself for loving her. but what can i do? i follow my feelings. and i have no regrets or whatsoever that might happen in the future. so many suitors around her, even thailand students. and an eighteen year old top 5% or whatever. i feel jealous, no hopes in my heart maybe? and this fact make me feel down. but this isnt love, this is wanting her love. i just understand this logic. love is pleasant. when u start to love someone. even though u wouldnt earn her love in return, u would still be happy if she is, sad when she isnt. to think of her is sweet, if u feel bad and all because of her, or maybe down because she doesnt like you, thats not truly love. thats just a sign of wanting her love. love is something great. something that one can hold on to without any regrets, without any fear of being rejected, being left out, unwanted. all i wanted is just to see her happy, to see her smile. thats all i can ask for, she wouldnt be mine, thats for sure. i am used to that part, thats why i dont like to have this sort of feelings. since it pains me when she is with another guy. i have to confess, that i want her love in return, but thats an act of selfishness. jealousy. it wont do me any good. i dismiss this idea with much strength. somedays i make it true, but then theres nights that never end. even today, when she msged me. i feel a sudden shock, maybe stunned. she actually bothers to read my blog. and that satisfy me, but i dont think she will now. sigh. i should have been more catious with my words. my english isnt good, and maybe theres a misinterpretation in whatever i wrote. i dont hope for her forgiveness. i know its silly to have that since i made this error. i am sorry.
Monday, July 03, 2006
okay i hate my blog. it seem impossible to blog. anyway. its been 6 months since i touched this blog. return unhappy memories of my past life. i guess i am hot tempered last time. typical ah beng. but i want to change. i feel out of place in my class. with my friends. with my family. it feels so weird. esp with my friends. and congrats to chin whee. for getting his first gf. just hope he studies too. sigh. i realised i have been changing my social circle.chinwhee's gang, to chars gang, to juans gang and so on. i realise i cant work out with em. i feel out of place. i am changing. i feel i am. but it seems impossible to do so. sigh. my mums going senile. my 1st brother is a stranger. but my friends are still there for me. i guess theres only matthias to back me up , my only friend. and i guess its true. because when i am down. the only person i can rely on is him. or maybe yimin. sigh. i think i am thinking too much for the moment. just came back from an outing with noelle. went to watch a movie at the new cathay and eating at plaza sing. bryan's jealous i guess. i really wan to tell him. stfu and go with yur ah lian yan lin ? calling names like dalmantion to me? if he were in my sch. he is long dead. i find name calling stupid. well, if it instill some PLEASURE to some LAME ppl like bryan. then its fine. well, just came back from step a week ago. and these are the new ppl i know
mabel noelle joseph bo long boss big beer jia hui teck wei ming siu
well, i find teck wei and ms fine now. use to have mental arguments with him. but he seems fine in camp. lalala. i feel crappy now. shant talk much . CAO