2 hands 1 cable 1 wakeboard.

sigh. just had an f up day. tuition was a disaster, couldnt even do my oral after her msg. i guess she read my previous post. a moment of folly i guess. to write such a thing. sigh. teacher scolded the whole class, didnt study much and i went home early. i hate myself for loving her. but what can i do? i follow my feelings. and i have no regrets or whatsoever that might happen in the future. so many suitors around her, even thailand students. and an eighteen year old top 5% or whatever. i feel jealous, no hopes in my heart maybe? and this fact make me feel down. but this isnt love, this is wanting her love. i just understand this logic. love is pleasant. when u start to love someone. even though u wouldnt earn her love in return, u would still be happy if she is, sad when she isnt. to think of her is sweet, if u feel bad and all because of her, or maybe down because she doesnt like you, thats not truly love. thats just a sign of wanting her love. love is something great. something that one can hold on to without any regrets, without any fear of being rejected, being left out, unwanted. all i wanted is just to see her happy, to see her smile. thats all i can ask for, she wouldnt be mine, thats for sure. i am used to that part, thats why i dont like to have this sort of feelings. since it pains me when she is with another guy. i have to confess, that i want her love in return, but thats an act of selfishness. jealousy. it wont do me any good. i dismiss this idea with much strength. somedays i make it true, but then theres nights that never end. even today, when she msged me. i feel a sudden shock, maybe stunned. she actually bothers to read my blog. and that satisfy me, but i dont think she will now. sigh. i should have been more catious with my words. my english isnt good, and maybe theres a misinterpretation in whatever i wrote. i dont hope for her forgiveness. i know its silly to have that since i made this error. i am sorry.