Thursday, August 31, 2006
todays teachers day. i finally got back my handphone. and realised its memory and content is corrupted. all her pictures,videos are all gone. im being stupid. marla(psch friend) told me to talk to her. but i didnt. my chance came when she went to the canteen alone,but it was clear that she saw me, and hid behind the pillar. that feeling. sadness. just overwhelms me. i dunno why, but i purposely walked the other way to exit the canteen, sending her a msg, nice hiding behind the pillar. its stupid. really. and the fact that i didnt say hi when i walked pass her in the staffroom and out again. it was on purpose that i went to the staffroom, all my teacehrs are the hods. sigh. i dont know. she didnt reply me after that, walked past me, and left school without a single reply.i was sad, angry at myself, for not being able to talk. luckily my friends were around, kept me from thinking , we went to eat at cine, walk ard taka and all, and went to far east to get janice a shirt for her bday.after which, we watched SNAKES ON THE PLANE! only during the movie, 8+ did she reply, and it was a fuck up reply. fuck. i dun give a shit.really. i think i will jsut give up and play with girls. fuck.lol. anyway. gtg. tired.gonna take a rest.
7:49 AM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
misconstructed feelings kept us at bay,
it felt like ages that it stayed that way.
one by one those feelings diminished, and den I found the truth.
a person of elegance, kindness and grace came to view.
never before had I felt this connection.
it fills me with sadness tat it started tat way.
your acceptance of me is something uncommon.
so unusual in fact.Shared thoughts, shared views
so familiar in direction
is it u, is it me
there seems no distinction.
to understand another in such an incomplete way,
allows others judgment in not a nice way.
a word from you after a hard day allows me to go further each day.
7:31 AM
been a long day, sat for practical exams today. kinda stupid, and i think i flunck it. ha. anyways. i didnt see her much today, only once at the side gate when shes abt to go back.well, got screwed by armstrong ,thanks to jasdev. sigh. nothing much happened today. just feel weird and all. sometimes i envy many ppl who are in her class, everyday can see her. LOL. aye.fuck it.
7:31 AM
Monday, August 28, 2006
been a long day today. school was normal. except seeing her more today den usual. i feel weird. i feel bad. i have so much emotions inside me, exploding, causing a self destruction to myself.i keep telling myself, forget. dun care. MOVE ON. but i cant. i kept peeking, just to get a look at her, smiling, laughing, giggling or whatever. i would not be in the hall, tats for sure. i missed her too much. and i guess it backfired. i shouldnt msg her. msged her after sch, she replied " i am in school" and no more. when i msg once more 3 hours later. she says " seriously u are too sensitive, i am alright duh" sigh. and soon it led to discussions that even i didnt dare to open her msg.i feel like a failure. i am sacrificing so much. and i dont understand why am i doing so when there wouldnt be anything in return. noelle msged me today. and i didnt read it till 6. she touched me, but i dun understand why, i kept picturing, the sender's weiling instead of her. but still, i feel bad. to her, to every1. i feel fucked up. although my lifes good , everythings good. but i dont feel good. she replied " they report to you about this? do they? anw dont think so much" i am confused. what do u expect me to think now? i msged her (exact words)" i hope i am not disturbing or irritating you, but i cant, this question will cross my mind. and i want to know about this, if u are irritated or whatsoever, please say, i wont get affected. all i want is to see u happy, not to leave a bad impression of me" and she didnt reply till now, and i dont get it, why is she apologizing to me now? 2 smses. i guess she heard from janice/char i went to drink. but it wasnt strong, 6%-.- just that i drank too fast and my stomach's boiling. sigh. i am thinking too much. i am at lost. i really love her, but i just want her to be happy. she likes some1 now, or maybe she think she does, possibility, terry,steven,hanif,guanwei. i really dont know. and i dont wanna know. i dont wanna get hurt. and i guess i will be following weijian style. hate that person, or find her bad points, dun look at her good points. but one thing. i cant find any bad points, other than her high pitched voice. sigh. gods playing with me. gods treating me fieces. sigh. i am at lost.caught in a dilemma. sorry weiling, if i really did disturbed u. i guess u are treating me nice for the sake of my examination results. sorry. i dont want your pity, please take them back and say what u sincerely feel.
9:38 AM
Girl, im going out of my mind,and even though i dont really know you,and plus im feeling im running out of time,im waiting for the moment i can show you,and baby girl i want u to know, im watching you go ,im watching you pass me by .its real love that that you dont know about...Baby i was there all alone.. when you'd be doing things i would watch you,i'd picture you and me all alone .. im wishing you was someone i can talk to, i gotta get you out of my head but baby girl i gotta see you once again.its real love that you dont know about..Girl, im going out of my mind,and even though i dont really know you,and plus im feeling im running out of time,im waiting for the moment i can show you,and baby girl i want u to know, im watching you go ,im watching you pass me by .its real love that that you dont know about...Every now and now i go to sleep, i couldn't stop dreaming about you,your love is got me feeling kinda weak.. i really cant see me without you,and now u're running around in my head im never gonna let you slip away again.its real love that that you dont know about...Every now and then when i watch you... i wish that i could tell you that i want you,if i can have the chance to talk with to you.. if i get up the chance to walk with you, then i would stop holding it in ..and never have to go through this again.its real love that you dont know about..Girl, im going out of my mind,and even though i dont really know you,and plus im feeling im running out of time,im waiting for the moment i can show you,and baby girl i want u to know, im watching you go ,im watching you pass me by .its real love that that you dont know about...Today when i saw you alone... i knew had to come up and approach you,coz girl i really gotta let you know ...all about the things you made me go through,and now she looking at me in the eye and now you get me open and now you dreamingagain.its real love that that you dont know about...Every now and then when i watch you... i wish that i could tell you that i want you.if i can have the chance to talk to with you.. if i get up the chance to walk with you. then i would stop holding it in and never have to go through this againits real love that you dont know about..Girl, im going out of my mind,and even though i dont really know you,and plus im feeling im running out of time,im waiting for the moment i can show you,and baby girl i want u to know, im watching you go ,im watching you pass me by .its real love that you dont know about..You're the one that i wanna know thatti can take it from me nononoo,even thought i dont really know you.. i gotta lotta love i wanna show you ,and youd be right there infront of me.. i see you passing infront of me nonono,girl i need ur love ...baby i need ur love.
9:37 AM
Your subtleties,They strangle me.I can't explain myself at all.And all the wants,And all the needs,All I don't want to need at all.The walls start breathing,My mind's unweaving,Maybe it's best you leave me alone.A weight is lifted,On this evening,I give the final blow.When darkness turns to light,It ends tonight,It ends tonight.A falling star,Least I fall alone.I can't explain what you can't explain.You're finding things that you didn't know,I look at you with such disdain .The walls start breathing,My mind's unweaving,Maybe it's best you leave me alone.A weight is lifted.On this evening,I give the final blow.When darkness turns to light,It ends tonight,It ends tonight.Just a little insight won't make this right,It's too late to fight,It ends tonight,It ends tonight.Now I'm on my own side,It's better than being on your side,It's my fault when your blind.It's better that I see it through your eyes,All these thoughts locked inside,Now you're the first to know,When darkness turns to light,It ends tonight,It ends tonight.Just a little insight won't make this right,It's too late to fight,It ends tonight,It ends .When darkness turns to light,It ends tonight,It ends tonight.Just a little insight won't make this right,It's too late to fight.It ends tonight,It ends tonight.Tonight,Insight,When darkness turns to light,It ends tonight.
9:28 AM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
We'll do it all Everything On our own We don't need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
7:25 PM
its a new day. went to watch an american haunting yesterday. its kinda stupid, but its still a nice show to watch. blast that goh mata, if it wasnt for him, we would be watching snakes on the plane. lol. i went home late yday, msging weiling as i go. she seem to like someone,but she is relunctant to tell as she want to hear who i liked first. the answer is the same. and when i told her. she didnt really talked much after that. sigh. i dont know whats going on. but i really love her. its stupid. yeah. i know she will think that way, as she lost the feeling 3 months ago and its impossible to get it back.slept late yday, just to msg her. screwed up a dota game as well. ha. hope shes alright and all. pray`
7:21 PM
It comes at night when no one is watching.It comes so soft, that it barely has a feeling.When it comes, your heart is at ease.And the only thing that is on your mind, isNow the agony can finally.LeaveAs you gaze into the emptiness that fills the air.A Droplet tends to fall.While your memory races back to the timeWhen you thought you had it all.You try to hold in what is deeply within your soul.But the burning is so intense; that you justCan't help but to let it go.During the night a stain is made.And at the same time all your pain is able to fade.The only true feeling that you feel, is the wetness ofA drop that is left by a single tear.
11:36 AM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
woots.my life is back on track. everything seems fine now. the heavy burden is all gone. went to eat chicken rice today, me dexter zhi shen janice charlene and my ou xiang. LOL. and i paid everything=.=" sian. $15 fly. i nothing to say. lol. after that we went to great world macdonalds and studied there. i just realised. janice bday is tmr. teachers day is ard the corner. cant wait to go back to hpps to see my favourite teacher!!!! haha. mdm yazilah!!!! kinda weird. armstrong was pissed, like always. but i am glad i settled eveyrthing today. i made a card and gave her a rose.( i forced janice to hold it for me since its embarassing for a guy to do so) and it backfired as every1 thought i was her bf=.=" I WONT CHANGE MY FEELINGS! haha. and its so awkward=.= but she didnt mind. we ended up wasting time choosing papers and stuff. shes a good friend. and in the end, i left the rose and card on the table and left for charlenes house to do some work.and i got chased ard by her (wearing "underwear") lol. joke. its a fun day today. woots. gtg ! DOTA!
8:21 AM
Monday, August 21, 2006
its been 3 months since the confrontation. the truth. i have been trying to like other girls. yimin,noelle. but i cant. its just a replacement. something which i dreaded whenever i think of it. the sight of you in school is good enough for me. i need not have you, admire would be good enough. and i hope someone good will come along someday,and shower you with love. i cant help it. i love her. i love wei ling.and i wont deny it. solomon asked me, is that girl u brought along that day your girl? i said no. i still love wei ling. and i walked out of the toilet with his repeating questions, "LEONG wei ling? " i love her and i cant help not to. even when i am with any girls, i would sometimes wonder what it would be like if i were to go out with you someday. and what it would be like if we watched a movie together. but it all seems like a dream to me now. while msging, i can sense the tone. irritated? bored? reply because of the fact that i might get all emotional once more? i am being a reporter, asking u questions and u are just merely replying them. i didnt want it to end this way. why am i thinking of you constantly? why am i blaming myself for not knowing you earlier in the primary school days. why am i being all fucked up by the fact that i have been deceiving myself, i am not hurt whenever yimin or noelle do anything that are supposed to hurt me. armstrong is pissed because i tried to end it with her, meaning to end contact. becasue i feel that i am deceiving myself, deceiving her, that i can get back to my former self. but one things for sure, i cant. i tried it with noelle. but i backed out halfway. and i feel hurt, not for the fact that i loved you, but the fact that i am deceiving her. i guess shes on her way now, ever since i stopped contacting her and after reading my previous post. but i am not. i remember the time when i was afraid of the dark, but this time, darkness is growing inside of me, but you arent there to on the lights. what have i done wrong? issit because i dont believe in god? issit because i despise those who believe in him? fuck him. god = human. if his being revengeful, thats an emotion for a human. fuck the early days people. making a mere human to a god, what a stupid idea and i cant believe people actually followed it, fucking uneducated bitches. sigh. nvm . going to drown myself with music and books
4:19 AM
Monday, August 14, 2006
I just don't understandWhy you running fromA good man, babyWhy you wanna turn yourBack on loveAnd why you've alreadyGiven up.See I know you've been Hurt before,But I swear I'll give you So much more,I swear I'll never let you down' i swear until i am dead or gone. and i give you myself, And I cant help myself baby cause I'm thinking bout ya constantly my heart feels so bad without you You can call me selfish but I'll never have enough of your love you can call me hopeless(hopeless) hopelessly in love you can call me imperfect but who's perfect? tell me what do I gotta do to prove that I'm the only one for you(only one for you) Why do you keep us apart why won't you give up your heart you know that were meant to be together Why do you push me away all that I want is to give you love forever and ever and ever You can call me selfish but I'll never have enough of your love you can call me hopeless(hopeless) hopelessly in love you can call me imperfect but who's perfect? tell me what do I gotta do to prove that I'm the only one for you(only one for you) Selfishly in love gimme all you your love I'll search my soul to know that It's true . To prove that I'm the only one for you Just call me selfish selfish selfish
10:22 AM
Sunday, August 13, 2006
i have decided. its been too much. i am going to forget her. goodbye. gonna concentrate on studies. nothing else. she isnt replying , and i wont be bothering her anymore. maybe after returning her $28 bucks. sigh . i screwed up my chinese oral. and i doubt that i am going to get b3 for chinese o lvl. gonna retake because of my shitty results. my friendship with armstrong isnt going better either. gonna try my best to study well. why should i bother abt her, when she doesnt care? why give a fuck den? i dun see a reason why i should suffer when she is enjoying. precillia just sent me a song yesterday, and i think its cool.Is it OK if I speak to you todayYou've been pissed off for a week nowBut nothing I could say could make you look upOr crack up.Is there anything that I can doAnything to show you.You're a bitch,but, I love you anyway.Oh you can't sing.But you still put me to sleep.Baby, you're a bitch.Hey Hey Hey Hey.You make me sick.But don't ever go away.So you tell me that there's nothing left to say,I drive, you face the window.Then you're in my face telling me to grow up.I wish you'd grow upI can't wait until you fall asleepI wonder if you know thatYou're a bitchbut, I love you anywayOh you can't singBut you still put me to sleepBaby, you're a bitchHey Hey Hey HeyYou make me sickBut don't ever go away
You're a bitchbut, I love you anywayOh you can't singBut you still put me to sleepBaby, you're a bitchHey Hey Hey HeyYou make me sickBut don't ever go away
Yeah you're a bitch butI love you anywaySo why don't you......Stay
isnt this cool? haha. its not dedicated to anyone. but i guess it makes sense thats all. tmrs a long day, totally forgotten about my physics test . sigh. FAIL!!!
this is for you
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'It's over'
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Girl, girl I'm goin outta my mindAnd even though I don't really know youI must've been runnin outta timeI'm waiting for the moment I can show youAnd baby girl I want you to knowI"m watching you goI'm watching you pass me byIt's real love that you don't know aboutBaby I was there all aloneWhen you'd be doin things that i would wit youI picture you and me all aloneI'm wishing there was someone i can talk toI gotta get out outta my headBuy baby girl I gotta see you once again, againIt's real love that you don't know aboutGirl, girl I'm goin outta my mindAnd even though I don't really know youI must've been runnin outta timeI'm waiting for the moment I can show youAnd baby girl I want you to knowI"m watching you goI'm watching you pass me byIt's real love that you don't know about(Every night and now) when I go to sleepI couldn't stop dreaming about youYour love has got me feeling kinda weakI really can't see me without youAnd now you're runnin round in my headI'm never gonna let you slip away againIt's real love that you don't know aboutEvery now and then when I want youI wish that I could tell you that I want youIf I could have the chance to talk wit chaIf I could have the chance to walk wit chaThen I would stop holding it inAnd never have to go through this again, againIt's real love that you don't know aboutGirl, girl I'm goin outta my mindAnd even though I don't really know youI must've been runnin outta timeI'm waiting for the moment I can show youAnd baby girl I want you to knowI"m watching you goI'm watching you pass me byIt's real love that you don't know aboutToday when I saw you aloneI knew I had to come up and hold youCuz girl I really gotta let you knowAll about the things you made me go throughAnd now she lookin at me in the eyeAnd now you got me hopin I ain't dreamin again, againIt's real love that you don't know aboutEvery now and then when I want youI wish that I could tell you that I want youIf I could have the chance to talk wit chaIf I could have the chance to walk wit chaThen I would stop holding it inAnd never have to go through this again, againIt's real love that you don't know aboutGirl, girl I'm goin outta my mindAnd even though I don't really know youI must've been runnin outta timeI'm waiting for the moment I can show youAnd baby girl I want you to knowI"m watching you goI'm watching you pass me byIt's real love that you don't know aboutYou're the one that I want and no one can take it from meNo, no, no, no, noEven though I don't really know youI got a lot of love I really wanna show youAnd you'd be right there in front of meI can see you passin in front of meNo, no, noGirl I need your loveBaby I need your love
10:04 AM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
here i am thinking of stupid things. shes far away from me. is she with him? alone? at the beach perhaps? talking? or taking a stroll and away from the world? taking pictures of each other? smiling, shouting,screaming? or am i thinking too much? sigh. this thoughts filled my fragile mind.
breaking my heart each time i think of things like this. is he holding her hand? is he going to confess to her like the many girls he had done this year? i do not know. all i know is, he likes her, and vice versa. its
hurting me. really. hurts so
bad that i think of it but nothing else other than the stupid quarrel which i laughed at with sean. other than that, its always her her and her. why am i doing this? why am i thinking of all this? shes gone, out of reach. shes so close yet so far from me. theres an invisible wall that stops me from going further. i am taking a deep breath now. hoping everything is just a dream, wake up. i am only in primary school. this is just a long dreadful dream of mine.wake up. hanging on to this broken,torned,burnt rope of mine which was sliced off by her. which i am holding on so painfully that my skin is tearing, bleeding from this old wounds thats flowing thru my veins. why cant i just let go? and get myself a life? why cant i? when the answer's so obvious with a stamp
[GONE] printed right on my face ? why?
fuck my life.
6:05 AM
life is meaningless to me. i seem alright. but i am not. deep inside. i am
hurt. deeply. this wounds seem to persist.my feelings still the same. i dont understand.why? why ? i am being fucked upside down inside out. this feelings sucks when u hear that she likes someone else, a friend of mine. the feeling stinks.
it hurts. deeply, like a dagger thru my heart. i cant explain, i cant think. i feel life is stupid. love is stupid. i wish theres a choice where u can choose between no emotions and emotions in your life. this feeling of love, jealousy,hurt,sadness overwhelms me 24/7. seeing her performing , smiling ,giggling,laughing. admiring her every way. but shes just a high quality clothes which i cant wear, she doesnt reply me now, or care for me. her last msg hurts me so much, i actually teared for awhile. why cant i be perfect? why cant i be the one? why am i always being fucked at? why am i being depressed here and there, fucking ppl ard today while playing bball. sigh. its stupid.really. zhuang teacher msg me:
when u are fated to get something in life, even without doing anything, u will definitely get it, but when u are not fated to get it, no matter how hard you try, how much u sacrifice, how much u fight for it. u will never get it.
6:05 AM
Oh what mess you've got the best of
my heart.It broke and now it's just a
joke.Cause you're
moving right along.
I'm still here and you're gone.Oh what shame.You know I didnt mean for the winds to change.Won't ever be the same.Cause the kisses that you blew Could never ever move I think I need some time by myself.Without anybody elseI just need to unwind In my time machineI need to go far awayA few years back would be okI just need to unwindIn my time machineHey you Ya i'm talking to youYou lost the love in bedAnd now it's just deadCause it didn't mean a thingWaiting for a ringHey it's a game And ain't it a shame that it's just a showI thought that this was loveBut I can't be fooled againI'm cryin' out But I can't give inI think you need some time by yourselfWithout anybody elseYou just need to unwind In your time machineYou need to go far awayA few years back would be okYou just need to unwindIn your time machineAll the things that we could change(things that we could change)Now we'll never be the sameI think I need some time by myselfWithout anybody elseI just need to unwind In my time machineI need to go far awayA few years back would be okI just need to unwind.In my time machineBy Myself I don't need anybody elseI just need to unwind In my time machine.In my time machine
6:05 AM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
sigh. 2 days before drama night, i dont know where to find my words to talk to her. its been 1month since i know her. it all happen so fast. o level english oral is just a week away, and here i am thinking stupid stuffs. i am drowning myself in studies, reminiscing the past. its stupid , and with so many problems that i have to deal with. work, work , work. sigh. just got back from scgs, went there to study and at the same time look at their performance rehearsal. tired.
I know your eyes in the morning sun. I feel you touch me in the pouring rain, And the moment that you wander far from me, I wanna feel you in my arms, And you come to me on a summer breeze. Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave, And it's me you need to show How deep is your love? I really need to learn 'cause we're living in a world of fools, Breaking us down When they all should let us be. We belong to you and me .I believe in you, You know the door to my very soul, You're the light in my deepest darkest hour ,You're my saviour when I fall And you may not think I care for you. When you know down inside That I really do And it's me you need to show how deep is your love?
9:08 AM