Saturday, February 21, 2015
Phobia
When I was young, I was laughed at, teased at, look down upon for things that didn't matter. Things like, using my brother's uniforms (I reused them since they have already graduated), being bullied because of that became part of my primary school life, and i can still remember, Joel, Kelvin, Aaron and Minhazul. So much so that my friends back then, were girls. probably why i clique well with them since.
After the incident two days ago, I realized my short temper is not because I am short tempered, but rather, I did not like the feeling of being laughed at. Something that haunts me since primary school. The stage fright I get whenever I speak publicly, was not because I am having butterflies in my stomach. But it was being afraid that I will be laughed at.
Well, my flatmate locked me in my toilet the other day, by putting my shelf right outside the door, it was funny at first, but when i heard them laughing about it, I could not contain my anger, I pushed the shelf off with one hand from the small gap I had, and jumped over into the kitchen and rugby tackled him, it did not just end there as I grabbed his arm and swung him onto the floor. That was then when I came to my senses that he was only 18 and he is just having some fun with the house. That was when I realized, that deep down, I hated being laughed at. Something I feared ever since my primary school days. It linked up well from all the other incidents that I got mad about in my entire life too. That blurry vision, the rage, the anger.
I remembered fighting with my bullies when i was 12, when puberty kicked in and i was the tallest in the class and they continued their daily routine of calling me names and pissing about with my uniform,
my brother's uniform . I remembered punching Jason and punching Saravanan for laughing at me. I felt happy, I felt justice was served. I did not feel bad at all even when i was brought into the principal's office, or even when my favorite teacher talked to me about violence. I liked it. It gave me power, it gave me a way out.
As time passed, I used violence to solve everything, it was the easiest way to win an argument, and you could see fear in others. Something i felt glad about, I learned muay thai, wushu, kickboxing just to be strong and prepared. My brothers at home bullied me constantly too. I just wanted to be prepared. I wanted revenge, I wanted the enjoyment to beat them down. I did not want anyone to know the weak side of me. Never show your weakness. It will only be used against you.
But as I grew older, things started to change, violence only meant you were uneducated. It only meant you lost the battle.
I took a Crew Management Course recently to build a better cohesion in the flight deck. To be able to speak up when needed and to work on how you could do it without belittling the captain. IE, working on your EQ.
I honestly thought it would be a 3 day 9 to 5 bullshit of a groundwork. but I was wrong as i picked up on certain aspects in which i handled things wrongly.
I learnt that being straight forward can be a plus sometimes, but it can also bring u down to a pile of shit. IE losing your friends/making situations awkward/making the other party awkward/anger and the list goes on and on. I realized there are countless of times I did the wrong reaction to certain things. Things that I try to justify, things that went terribly wrong. But I guess I can learn from all these. But somehow when it happens, it happens and I sat there, regretting my actions and blame myself on how I could have done things better.
As the lesson progresses, I too realized how I was herded to a certain direction based on the choice of words used by the instructor. Same goes to Monopoly with the brits as they selectively used their words well to buy you over to their deal. Same goes to life, as people tend to talk to you in a certain way to get to their agenda, some good, others bad. I was shocked as this revelation hit me on certain people whom herded me a few times, or who are currently doing so to others. That, was scary.
I need to learn to control my temper, my straight forwardness and my ways of speech. I need to understand that I am now hanging out with non-singaporeans, where certain words I use may be normal with the sg peeps, but it may not be with the british. In short,
I need to grow up . I am 25 this year, and as I look back on the past, my past. I saw and reflect on things I should have handled better, issues where I could have reacted in a completely different matter and the outcome would be drastically different. I lost a few friends, a few good friends that somehow I wish I could have set things straight. It is never too late to learn from mistakes, is it?
Does knowing all this make you a better person? no. there is a difference between knowing something, and applying it to your daily life/routine. Same goes to learning a sport, You can read as much about it, learning all the technicality and rules, but when it is time to execute it, you may fall short and not know why. It is so much easier looking at things from a 3rd person view, judging, criticizing, laughing, but when it is you on the hot sit, things just do not go the way you expect it. Same goes to daily life, everyone hates to be judged on rumours/1st impressions. But little do you know that you judge others based on that too, you cant do anything about it too. It just happens unless you are able to take a step back, put yourself into their shoes and feel. It is so hard to take that time to think and analyse that everyone takes the easiest way out. Judge. Assume. damage will be done.
3:22 PM